Diabolical: April 2012

This is purely educational/Motivational post and is not biased towards any gender/make/model/creed/whatever.

Having seen so many pictures/ Youtube video on 'Woman Drivers' [and finding it very hilarious], I felt bad, so bad. You know, having that nagging twight feeling inside somewhere; [No!! Not that feeling where , you feel that your underwear is too tight] a section of the society [The Women] is being made fun of, because she doesn't know how to drive.

I was thinking, every one is making fun of women and their driving..and What AM I DOOOOOING? Seriously, I felt I should do my part.
Contrary to the sarcasm found in the above statement: This article is a veeery humble attempt to educate the WOMAN Kind about the fine art of driving.

OKay..Now that the confession is done; let me try and make this a proper certified article on "How to Drive for ~~Dummies~~ Woman".

Are you a woman, who runs behind college bus/ Office bus or cab every day [Almost!!] in-order to get to your destination/ Pyramid like building [Work Site]?
Are you a woman, who has to 'pretend' 'NOT' having a headache, so that Your Certified MCP [Male Chauvinist Pig] can be 'tricked' to drive you to the mall next day?
Are you a woman, who will 'Like totaallyeeeee mow down that guy with a car', who offered you an extra chair to sit?

Well, What ever. You learned the hard way that World Aint Fair ; Magic Carpet exists only in Aboo Stories..Another Shocker for you: The 'Back seat driver' position you enjoyed is replaced with electronic Gadgets like GPS, RADAR and CAS.

I take that, the closest you have come in driving is, driving the 'SHOPPING CART' and that you have clocked many a Kilometers in the Mall on your shopping cart. I know many of you have clocked enough miles with your shopping cart which is equivalent to circumnavigating earth at least 4 times.

Good news is that, driving a CAR is much simpler. Simpler than driving a shopping cart and racing from aisle to aisle without incident.
This article will equip you with comprehensive information for ~~aiming your car~~ driving your car.

1. First Step- The Beginning.

The first step in learning is keeping your mind totally vacant. I understand that it already is!
You have to understand what a CAR is. Well ! being a woman, you have this uncontrollable urge to give a name to anything that you sooooo like. If you feel 'odd' and feel a 'distance' calling your CAR as a CAR then feel free to pick a name for your car; and please, keep it to yourself.

Okay..Okay. What we men do?
I will let you on this secret.Alright?
We men call the Car 'She'/'Her'. There is a solid technical explanation for this.Read on.

Oh yeah, you can take in your teddy bear and keep it in front of the instrument cluster of your car. This will make you feel more at ~~home~~ car! You don't need to watch the speedometer unless you are a male.

In the coming sections we will learn what an automobile is and the major parts of a car.

1.2 How to Get In.

In order to get inside the car, you need keys, which is probably with your MCP a.k.a Boy Friend. In order to get the keys, you would have to wear skimpy clothes and vacuum the floor in front of the Television while he is watching Chelsea Vs Manchester United. He will give you the keys, if you let him watch the football match in peace.This is called "Attack By Stratagem" in the book "Art of War"
Try out the 'Puppy Eyes' technique first. For us guys, it's hilarious.Alright?

Now that you have the Car keys, ~~lose it in your hand bag~~ keep it safe in your handbag. Update your FACEBOOK Status and tweet about it on your Twitter.

For Example:

"Me going VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM"
"Freedom"
"Can somebody tell me where I can get a PINK colored Car tire?
Got the Kar Ma."

Stand near your car. Look at your reflection on the window glass of the car, take out your makeup kit and make yourself more pretty . Having done that, fumble in your handbag for the car keys and mumble something, while you are at it. If you can use one hand to operate your mobile phone and other hand to fumble in your bag, you can update your face book and tweet about your Car keys.

For Example:

"I Lost it"
"Just can't get my finger on it"
"Oooohhh Gwaaaad!!! My fingers are turning numb "
"Cant it be any bigger?"

Congratulations, you found your car keys, just when the friendly neighbor was suggesting you to call Sherlock Holmes from Baker Street.

Wow!! spank yourself on your back. Feel proud, you have just passed the toughest , grueling, cruel phase of driving. After you have done ~~squealing,squeaking,~~ squealking in excitement, just look at the car keys and say .."Whose your mommy now!!!" Shake every body part that is shakeable and do a victory dance.
Why?
It's a psychology thing to show whose the boss and the dance will help you loosen things up.
Alright..Now.lets get into the heart of the matter.

Use the car keys to unlock the door at the driver side.

The first thing that you gonna experience is the SUPER HOT air from inside the car with the amazing masculine smell of the car hitting your face.[ Possibly a combination of B.O+ Cheap Airfreshner + smell of beer+ Cigarette]. Just hold tight to the door.Alright? You are just about to take over a man's world , paint it pink , plant beads and pearls.

*sigh

2. The Anatomy- Important parts of the car.

The first thing you will notice about the car is that it has lots of mirrors. That's one thing that's gonna make you feel at home. About the seats: A car has 3 major category of seats normally.

1)Drivers Seat

2)Navigator Seat

3)~~Bed Seat~~ Back Seat

Now you must be sitting in the driver's seat [Seat with steering wheel in front of it]. You know the drill. Yes! Take out your mobile and snap a picture of you in the car, at an odd angle. Post it on FB and update your status message.

That round thing in front is called the Steering wheel. You turn it either way, the car turns.[When the car is in motion].
The weird looking , sprouted and aroused phallic like thing inside the middle of the car is the 'Shifter' or 'Gear' in layman's terms. Be nice to it.Alright?

If you look near your feet, you can see that there are 3 pedals to step on. You must have guessed the use of 2 of them. 1 pedal is for 'GO' and other pedal must be for 'Don't Go'.

Okay.So here is a trick question. what is the First Pedal on the Left?
Nope. Its not 'Don't Go to LEFT ' pedal. But..smart guess though. Hmmm...Not bad, you are really creative!

It's called as a clutch pedal. You need it to change the shifter and save yourself from having too many appointments with your dentist. [ Go figure! ]

Congrats again! You learned the basics. Now you are all powerful to mow down the world.

Now some other important anatomy of the car.

Cup Holder: Its a hole somewhere which a Product Designer thought would be appropriate for her/his length of limbs. Keep looking around, the cockpit.[Cockpit? Yeah..thats what they call the whole driver side of the island inside the car.Why? You don't want me to tell it to you. Do ya?].

Use: This feature is used to store, rubber bands, paper clips, tooth picks, various contraceptives [If you are not a communist in birth control].etc, pretty much anything, that fits into it, other than the cup. Consider this as a vestigial organ of the car.

Rear View Mirror: Contrary to the name, this mirror is used to see your face, not your butt/rear. Adjust the mirror in such a way that you can see your face from almost all the angles.

Use: This mirror is used to keep a 'movement track' on your boy friend sitting next to your BFF in the backseat. You can also catch co passengers making faces at you. For applying paint on your face etc.

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Side View Mirrors: This mirror gives you your royal side profile. Use this mirror to adjust your side features.

Use:

Look in the side mirror and Smile at yourself every time you look in the mirror.
Confuse the male driver, behind you who is watching you through your mirror.

Note:Use enough sunscreen to avoid sun burns, because all mirrors are concentrating sunlight on to your face.

Seat Belts: The dreaded thing that make creases on your outfit. Some MCP made a rule to make it mandatory to wear seat belts. Seat belts keeps you from falling off the seat while you are drunk.Probably seat belt will be the only thing you are wearing when you are drunk.

Use:

Helps you add a few more numbers into statistical figure for traffic violation.
Keeps you in position while you are shaving your legs while driving.
Saves your forehead from getting embossed with the CAR manufacturer logo from the steering wheel..
Make less "obvious things", "more obvious" to the guy sitting next to you

Note: Seat Belt is a Contraption not a Contraceptive
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Airbags: No, I am not talking about your Boy friend [Nick Named: Fart Boy] or what you call your Ex Boy friend, now. This is a feature which you pay for and trust your money on it. No..No I am not talking about the over-sized Silicon H**Ha Implants you had either. This is a spectacular, explosive deployment of cloth bag filled with pressurized air which deploys on impact and ruins your makeup, hairdo and your mood for partying.

Use: Duh!

It's acts like a pillow for the head.

Fig 1. Mercedes Benz flaunting their airbag feature in an Ad

Hand Brake/Parking Brake/Emergency Brake: Imagine you are driving around and you find this awesome dress on display. Declare an emergency and pull on the Hand Brake. Your car stops, comes to a screeching halt. Magic!!!!
I know..when you are driving..its always an emergency.
If you look behind, you can see many cars swearing (Screeching) and swerving to avoid bumming into you and becoming a bum ornament on your car.

Use: Hand brake / Emergency Brake is used to Start a butterfly Effect/Domino Effect on the road

Horns :Never miss a chance to honk your horn. Every time you see a MAN, as a dot on the horizon, HONK the horn LOUD. Keep repeating it at every short intervals. Every intersection, every car in front of you, every person walking on the sidewalk deserves to be honked at. You can put the whole blame on him/MCP/Two legged creature being at fault when you mow him down on the sidewalk.

Use: Honk your horn..loud and loooooong,like saying "Honey....I am Home..." just before you hit on / crash into another vehicle/garbage can/tree/ electric post/poles of various kind/two legged creature etc.

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Various knobs and buttons: Yes, now you know why we Men call the CAR a She/Her, though car comes with far less buttons/knobs and alarm bells/warning bells and warning lights than real woman. Feel comfortable. Push it. turn it..see what change happens to the car. Keep in mind, which button you pressed or what knob you turned, if you want to recreate that effect again with your car.

Use: Cool Things to play with when you are bored.

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Head Lights: Other than helping you to see in the dark, headlights can be used to communicate with other drivers.
Imagine you came across a narrow bridge/road you can flash your ~~h**d lights~~ head-lights to have the Right of Way .This will stun the other guy and he will stop his car for you, drooling. You can get a lot of things done when you flash your head lights properly.

Ambiguity!!!! Ambiguity!!!

What if the MCP Moron switches on his real headlight FIRST!!
You can always switch on your Windscreen wiper to say 'NO!! NO!! ~~Thrust~~ Flash your headlights again, honk the horn loud and move ahead. The MCP moron will understand.
Apart from clearing the rain water from the windscreen, Windscreen wiper can be waved around to affirm a "NO" or Say a "Bye" to your on coming friend/Foe.

Use:

Shows the others who is Miss/Mrs boss.
Any mechanical problem or a need for change of tire can be magically done by flashing your headlights.

Turn Indicator Lights: Turn lights are a good way to express your MOOD to the outside world. It's like Expressing your feeling in less than a tweet but with few LED lights. If you plan to turn right on an intersection which comes in the next 30 or odd Miles. Switch on your right indicator NOWW!!!! Never bother about the long line of vehicles and confused drivers behind you. When you reach the intersection, change your mind, turn on the left indicator, take the exit and head back home/wherever.

Use:You can use the Turn Indicator lights to throw a professional stalker off course of course. Confuse an oncoming driver and make him fly off the cliff, all the way down the mountain, thus helping him save precious fuel.

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Hazard Lights: Turn on this magic and you can see all your turn indicators flashing. If you are confused about which road to take in an intersection, use the hazard light and pick a route of your choice/ according to your mood. It's your way of saying "Guess where I am headed?" to other drivers all around you.

Use: Makes you feel like an angel in a bling bling chariot.

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Fog Lights /Lil Yellow lights: They make rain.

Use:They are used to appease the Rain Gods. The science behind it is soooo solid.

3. Starting the Car and Flooring It

Now that you know the details of your magic carpet, lets see how you can actually make it MOOOOOVE!! Use your legs on clutch pedal and brake Pedal. This prevents your car from galloping and saves you from spreading your makeup on steering wheel.

Put the key in the ignition and turn it which ever way possible and hold it there.Well! Did the car make a weird noise!! like a chronic cough patient?
Take your hands off the key, once you have enjoyed the car making that awesome KRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..noise.Now the car will vibrate a little. If you feel the car is shaking..Nope..Its not the car..it's you in excitement.

Use the sprouted thingy found in the middle of the car and shift the vehicle into drive (Not with both hands!!) and floor the gas pedal while slowly releasing your legs from clutch pedal..Vroooom..you are now...unstoppable. Remember to wear your heavy boots/ high heels always while driving.
The idea of 'Playing around' with the shifter is to make the vehicle move faster or slower, contrary to the belief in women's circle that, one day you will manage to pry it off from it's shaft.

4. Art of Driving

Well, Now you have mastered the techniques of driving. Art of driving involves, the more gooey things about driving.

Enjoying the Scenary: Always take time to enjoy the scenery while you drive.These are life's small pleasures. The MCP's honking behind you is missing a lot in life, other than his scheduled appointments for the day. But that's okay. Just cruise slowly with all your blinking lights on.
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Be Aware: Be aware of your surroundings. What if the person walking on the sidewalk is a zombie? Yes the driver of the oncoming vehicle was definitely staring at your headlights. Cheeeeee..What's that guy on the pavement showing with his hands, like a nursery kid singing Twinkle Twinkle Little star, then pointing at your headlights? Eeeeewwwwww.Men!!!That too in PUblic?What Guts!!!

It's okay, we men can understand that your teddy bear is covering the instrument panel cluster and you are missing out on lot of notification from your car, including the headlight status.

Driving Etiquette

Update your FB and Twitter about the sights and sounds you see on the road while driving.
Apply paint on your face/Nail/Color your hair.
Change your clothes and slip into something comfortable while driving as you are driving.
Sing aloud with the radio/mp3 player.Nod your heads while driving .Take your hands off the steering wheel and point to the roof of the car with both hands and sway in sync with the music.
Take snaps of yourself driving and update it on your blog/FB album.
Koochi Koochi with your BF/GF while driving.
Steer with your knees while you have your low calorie Burgers and Diet Coke reading health tips section in a woman's magazine..
Show middle finger to the guy driving a MACK truck.
Do not turn on the indicator lights when changing lanes. This gives out your intention to other MCP drivers and they will harass you and stop you from changing lanes.

Driver Talk

What The Fcuk: This goes with honking the horn. Used to express any unexpected situation developing on the road.

Fcuk, It's Green : Seriously, any guy would love to hear it in a totally different situation. This expression is used when you are talking to your friend on the phone and you were in the middle of a gossip (Pata..hai...[Translation:Ya know..whut?!!!].), and the signal turns green and there are other MCP Morons behind you, honking patiently.

Hand Signal: Also called as Middle Finger Salute.

Check Under the Hood: wow! This is when you lift the hood and you get to see everything inside.Any guy would love to hear a woman say "Can you check under the hood?"

Blind spots: A biological term used to refer to the tip of your nose. Morons use it as a driving term.

Antilock Braking System (ABS) : An advanced technology system ineffective with a woman driver.

Double Parking: A kind of parking usually done by expert woman drivers.

Defensive Driving: Defensive driving is the skill set that allows you to outrun a cop car.

Driver's License: Another term for Silicon Implants.

Driving Distractions: A feeling experienced by male drivers when you pass them eating a banana provocatively.

Evasive Action: An evasive action is a fast and effective maneuver made intentionally to avoid getting a ticket from a cop, like showing your driver's license.

Identify, Predict, Decide, Execute (IPDE): IPDE is an organized thinking and acting process that you will constantly use while ~~driving~~ on shopping floor.

Maximum Speed Limit: Speed you achieve using your highest gear [2nd Gear for most woman]

Pedestrians: Any two legged MCP/ Creature found on the sidewalk, who randomly float across the street forcing you to work your pink foot overtime.

Tailgating: Driving style of a stalker/ jealous boy friend.

Uncontrolled Intersection: Having sex with a blind date in the backseat of your car.

Warning Signs: Missing a period, Severe nausea and vomiting etc etc.

Red-light : A street which is never hit by recession, unlike Wall street .

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That concludes my mission to educate the woman drivers on the intricacies of driving awesomely.

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And..Then there are some super awesome female drivers